Monday began with a 3-hour tour around Lusaka. We saw the major spots of the city and visited a community school, which was one building with a whopping 3 classrooms for at least 5 grades. Afterwards, we met up with the other buses and headed to camp! So according to the Lord’s sovereign plan for my week, I arrived at camp on Monday afternoon to meet my own group of 11-14 year old girls. It took a little while for them to open up (and they’re still slowly opening up to me), but eventually I could get them to laugh at me and smile at me. I mean, let’s think about it. These kids are coming from the utter slums of a third world country to meet a muzungu (white person) who wants to hang out with them for a week. Kids like this are passed around from one abusive family member to the next, so I’m sure they’re a little apprehensive about meeting some random stranger who’s going to be with them every day for the next five days. I’d be closed off too if I were them.
My point is that these kids try to keep themselves so guarded that when they do actually begin to trust you, it’s like a floodgate is opened. During the week, each American ambassador is supposed to conduct a “blessing time” with each of his or her kids. A blessing time is a one-on-one session in which the American and the Zambian partner talk with one of the kids in the group about their home life, their family, their spiritual position, etc... During the blessing times is when things really start to get intense. We as the ambassadors grow close to the kids when we dance and joke and play with them throughout the day, so when we hear that our kids have never felt joy or don’t think that anyone IN THE WHOLE WORLD loves them, it truly breaks our hearts. Today, I had a blessing time with my littlest girl, Bridget, and the Spirit told me to ask her if she had ever felt joy in her life. She started crying and spoke in Nyanja to my Zambian partner, Notrine, who translated and told me that Bridget has never felt joy because she’s never felt loved. This little girl has lived 11 years without feeling loved. As tears stream down her face, I look into her eyes and say, “Bridget, I love you.” I pulled her into a long hug and lost it. I had to pull it together and tell her that I loved her so much, but God loves her way more than I ever could. After talking to her about the Gospel, she accepted Jesus Christ into her heart and knows that she has a heavenly Father that loves her.
So many of the blessing times are like that one. Working on summer staff kind of separates us from having to deal with such heartbreaking stories of the lives that these kids live; and despite hearing stories like this from other Americans’ groups all summer, these are now MY kids experiencing this, it’s MY girls telling me these things. Hearing these stories in the previous weeks was sad, yes, but it wasn’t personal. It absolutely is now. These girls have grabbed my heart, and it kills me to hear what kind of pain they are going through at such a young age. Granted, this is not my first year having a group, but God always finds a way to break my heart yet again through these kids.
Here’s where I’m torn. This is my fifth week of hard work and little sleep out here, and I’m exhausted. I want to spend as much time with my Dad while he’s here, but I also want to spend time with the FLMI staff because it is my last week out here with them AND I need to be spending more time in the Word than ever because I have a group. However, life as a summer staffer AND an ambassador with a group allows for very little extra time to do any of the above things. I’m physically exhausted, frustrated with my lack of time here, anxious to get home, emotionally wrecked for my girls, and I’m having a hard time being positive about having a group. Yes, I love my group and they are such sweet and funny little girls, but Satan is truly fighting my Spirit and is trying to make this week null and void for me and for the girls. He wants to penetrate my mind with negativity and take away the effectiveness that that Lord can have for His Kingdom and for these girls through me. To be completely honest, it is extremely challenging to keep myself motivated and positive about the rest of my time here and to carry out my calling to this group this week. My prayer is that God will give me the strength and energy and attitude that I need for tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday, and that I will live by His Word when it says,
“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.”
Acts 20:24
I know God has given me this task, and I need to go full force with this group of girls. The Gospel is worth a little exhaustion on my part, their lives and their salvation is so much more important than my readiness to go home, for goodness sake. I know I don’t have a choice, there is no other option than to plug and chug and continue on to the best of my ability (and calling on the Lord to fill in the rest) so that these girls can know the love and sacrifice and kingdom of God.
Please be praying for me as I’m finishing out my week with this struggle. Satan is coming at me hard, he is trying to put earthly desires in the way of God’s will, and we just can’t have that at all.
On the plus side, my girls platted (braided) my hair at camp today. Definitely not my look, but I’m loving the picture that Megan got!
Blessings,
Mariah
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